Week 2 assignment: Formal email

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Subject: Self-introduction of myself

Dear Professor Blackstone

I am writing to introduce myself to you just to let you know more about myself. My name is Neo Li Qin, but you can address me as Luna. I am a year 1 telematics student attending your technical communication module. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in 2018 with a diploma in electrical and electronic engineering with a double specialisation in computer and communication. 

Apart from the strong passion for engineering, I also have another strong passion which is music. I take great pride in music as it has been part of my life as it cultivates my mind and soul. Thus, molding myself into a hardworking individual which benefits my academic studies. Through this cultivation, I have attained Grade 8 Classical Guitar Recital under the London College of Music (LCM) as well as a merit for my Grade 6 Music Theory under the Trinity College of London (TCL). Currently, I am still progressing and in the midst of my preparation for my performance diploma exam. Other than music, I have a few hobbies. I love to watch various documentaries such as Air Crash Investigation. I am also a fan of science fiction and I read books by Michio Kaku. One of his books is the vital initial step for me to spark an interest in engineering and physics. It has led me to enroll in my diploma course and subsequently this telematics programme as I believe that the science fiction will be a reality in the future and I wanted to be part of the huge team of engineers to realise this.

In the communication aspect, I have a specific area of weakness, which is impromptu speech. I tend to feel nervous speaking in large crowds, so much so that I begin to stammer at times, fearing that I would say something, not on point. Probably this is a fear I will need to overcome in this communication module. I am confident in talking to strangers in smaller groups. My friends know me to be the chatterbox in their circle. However, I feel there is always room for improvement for mastering it.

My goals for this module are to refine my public speaking skills and to improve my impromptu speech. I believe that with constant practice and under your tutelage, I will be a better communicator.

Best regards

Luna Neo

Edited on 25/9/18

Comments

  1. Musfirah LatiffSeptember 18, 2018 at 7:14 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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    Replies
    1. Musfirah LatiffSeptember 25, 2018 at 5:02 AM

      Dear Luna,

      I enjoyed reading your email. The content is well-written but I felt that the elaboration for your interests was too long. In addition, the structure of your email could have been better if you had written your strengths before your weaknesses but overall, your email was fine.

      Yours sincerely,
      Musfirah Binte Latiff

      Delete
  2. NekoSeptember 18, 2018 at 7:50 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brad BlackstoneSeptember 24, 2018 at 12:31 AM

    Dear Luna,

    Thank you for posting this fairly well crafted letter. I enjoyed learning about your background, and in particular, the way your interest in reading science fiction has influenced your career choice.

    You also provide lots of detail on your passion for music. As a fellow musician, I was anxuious to hear what instrument you play, what music inspires you and how you present it. Your description, however, focuses on test levels you have achieved. That may be of interest and importance in an application letter, but less so here.
    (Your focus on those levels may actually turn off some readers of an intro letter.)

    You do a better job with the section on your comm skills.

    In terms of language use, there are a few areas to revisit;

    1. sentence structure
    -- I take great pride in music as it has been part of my life as it cultivates my mind and soul. >>> (repetitive use of 'as') ?
    -- Thus, molding myself into a hardworking individual which benefits my academic studies. >>> (sentence fragment/missingcomma)

    2.punctuation
    -- I also have another strong passion which is music. >>> (missing comma)
    -- I would say something, not on point. >>> (misplaced comma) ?

    3. unclear pronoun referent
    -- I feel there is always room for improvement for mastering it. >>> (it?)

    Even with these issues though, this is a good introduction. I appreciate your effort and look forward to getting to know you more in this module.

    Cheers,

    Brad

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownSeptember 25, 2018 at 8:55 AM

      Lune 415September 25, 2018 at 8:53 AM
      Hi Prof Brad,

      Thanks for correcting my mistakes! I am really appreciate it!

      I think I have missed out my instrument while typing this blog post. In fact I play the classical guitar which is pretty rare in Singapore. There are not many classical guitarists in Singapore as the majority prefer the pop culture and not keen to classical music training.

      In overall, I feel there are lots of things I need to improve on such as writing and oral skills due to my weak language foundation back in primary and secondary school years. With more practice and your guidance, I'm sure that I will be a better writer and speaker.

      Best regards,

      Luna

      Delete
    2. Brad BlackstoneSeptember 25, 2018 at 10:24 PM

      Thanks for expanding on the info in your letter and for the willingness to work to imrpove your skills!

      I also loook forward to hearing your guitar. How about a cameo role in the presentation showcase later in the term?


      Delete
    3. UnknownOctober 1, 2018 at 6:00 AM

      I will need to consider a lot as I have been not practicing a lot due to university studies. But I would love to show a little bit of my skills.

      Delete
  4. NekoSeptember 25, 2018 at 5:07 AM

    Dear Luna,

    I have enjoyed reading your email in particularly about your background and interest in music.

    You provided ample information about your weaknesses in communicating and also your passion for music. I found that the information about the test levels that you have achieved may be hard to digest to some readers who have minimal knowledge on music.

    Overall, I find the introduction good.

    Best regards,

    Khatcharin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownSeptember 26, 2018 at 12:31 AM

      Dear Khat,

      Thanks for the constructive feedback and I will continue to improve on my writing that readers will understand.

      Best regards,
      Luna

      Delete
  5. UnknownSeptember 25, 2018 at 7:25 AM

    Dear Luna,

    I have enjoyed reading your self-introduction. This email is well elaborated with detailed examples and information. I like that you have shared your hobbies with us with details. I can feel your strong passion for both engineering and music. I also have a better understanding about your strength and weakness in communication.

    The language used was very fluent. There are a few areas you can improve. For example, “year 1” should change to “year one” and “Grade 8” should become “grade eight”.

    I look forward to see you in class every Wednesday.

    Regards,

    MingYu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownSeptember 26, 2018 at 12:28 AM

      Dear Ming Yu,

      Thanks for the comment and constructive feedback. I will look forward to improve on my writing.

      Best Regards,
      Luna

      Delete
  6. IqahOctober 5, 2018 at 10:33 PM

    Dear Luna,

    Thank you for sharing with us your letter of introduction. It was well written and there is a good flow to it. I enjoyed reading it. It is interesting as you shared with us your interest not only for this course but out of the course as well. I wish you the best of luck for your performance diploma exam. However, there are room for improvement. For example:

    1)Instead of saying “Apart from the strong passion for engineering, I also have another strong passion which is music”, you can say “Apart from the strong passion for engineering, I am very passionate about music.

    2)In paragraph two, you mentioned that you love to watch various documentaries. Since you used the word “various” I suppose you should have mentioned another documentary.

    3)In the third paragraph, instead of saying “I tend to feel nervous speaking in large crowds, so much so that I begin to stammer at times, fearing that I would say something, not on point”, it can be broken down into a few sentences. For example: “I tend to feel nervous when speaking in large crowds, so much so that I begin to stammer at times. This led to a fear of not being able to address the main point in conversations”.

    All in all, your letter of introduction was great. I hope to work together with you in the future!

    Kind Regards,
    Atiqah

    ReplyDelete

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